The next minute youre hemorrhaging. "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. He said. Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. These quotes and images about funny golf are the truest, wisest, and most positive ones to be found on the web. The most important shot in golf is the next one. Funny Golf Quotes You know you're on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do. She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. Dirty Quotes For Him "You can stay but your clothes must go." "Let's make love, then have a h0t dirty time." "I promise to always be by your side. Robert Fuller Murray, Golf is a fascinating game. The right place is right here with me, in my bed. Keep your head down. but I can show you what is! "The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.". And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." Guys will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. My drives aren't always long and straight.. but I can show you what is! Golf is like doing your taxes. Please read here for more information. Of course, says the old man, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.. Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey calling every golfer out. Go to the golf course. Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10thwhen they notice a single player, running up the fairway, taking a shot almost immediately to then run up to the green for a 3 putt to put it in. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls. "Hockey is a sport for white men. 2. Required fields are marked *. Whos there? Id cry too if I played golf like you. / It is a gait he only knows / When he has on his golfing clothes. I tell it that this isnt going to hurt a bit. All of them. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? Watch their eyes. I've got some good news. Jack Benny, The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. -Bobby Jones Geoff Shackelford, Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration. It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the mens tee, please!. Ben Hogan, The golf swing has been endlessly analyzed, and yet it still remains a mystery. Learn More. Oh you only have a threesome, mind if I join? Choose Andy who? But dont take it from us, check out the funny golf quotes below and enjoy a laugh or two. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." - Ben Hogan "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald R. Ford "The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie." - Mickey Mantle "To find a man's true character, play golf with him." - P.G. Boo. Boo who? Say what you want about the other sports, none of them hold a candle to golf when it comes to inspirational and downright funny quotes. 5. Man: "Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass." A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. I just dont know where I fit in. Beth Daniel, 37. My swing is so bad, I look like a caveman killing his lunch. 1. And now it will be poisoned for you. Hey you better be able to laugh at yourself in this game, right? He doesnt hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Why didnt the golfer get his homework done? 2023 Lynn on the Links, LLC All Rights Reserved. His comment gets at a few things: the wondrous and fascinating aspects of the game and its tendency to make bold-faced liars of its participants. I'm known on the tour for having a lengthy club. You need to adjust your grip. The fourth putt! How can you tell which golfer is a womanizer? The actor's quote relays an essential truth: Even the most mild-mannered golfer tends to lose his head when he sees or suspects someone else has hit or picked up his golf ball. Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. Regardless of time, place, situation, event, or occasion, it is in our human nature, to learn and express. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Always keep learning. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional Full Text: My windows aren't dirty, that's just my dog's nose art! 3. Find the ball. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. Arnold Palmer, 2. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. Look at the size of his putter. Photo: Shutterstock. Noah who? See photos about 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes from Golf Digest Roarin' Mcllroy What is a golfers favorite bird? Chuck Hogan, Dont play too much golf. This position should feel sort of unnatural and should permit you to hook the ball without altering your golf swing. What do you jot down if you dont remember if you hit a 6 or a 7? Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. That's mispronounced Spanish for cat which is another word foryou get the idea. Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. Ben Hogan, And theres many neat cottages with gardens very nice / And picturesque villas, which can be rented at a reasonable price / Besides, theres a golf course for those that such a game seeks / Which would prove a great attraction to the knights of clubs and cleeks. I'll let you beat me. Eight. I'd say how hard do I hit it, he'd tell me and I'd swing. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Joe Torre, It is not possible to play golf consistently well without sound mental skills. 8. ~ George Bernard Shaw. These words carry the feeling for those you care about and those who care about you. Why are computers such naturally good golfers? P.G. Hey, were you just promoted from Army captain because I'm always up for getting another major? I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Chip Shot. "The value of routine; trusting your swing." - Lorii Myers. the flag cant jump. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. He was perfecting his swing. ~ Victor Hugo. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links. Enjoy the game, enjoy these best golf jokes. 3. Where is the best place to go on vacation? What kind of model is Paige Spiranac? How about you bring two of your friends and we play a foursome? About 160 yards was his reply. Bye Bye Birdie. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. Dirt your body. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. The man took a step back from his ball, closed his eyes and said a quick prayer. Which is the easiest golf stroke? If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the . ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, 15+ Easy and Funny Animal Riddles for Kids (with answers) 2023, 79 HILARIOUS Holiday Jokes For A Jolly Mood, 49 Jokes about Teachers and Students (that work like Science: Always get a reaction), 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! Your second mental problem is concentration. Achieve more with each and every round you play. Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton making us think more than wed like to. Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. 20. Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? "I'm in my bed you're in your bed ". Tahiti. Fore! Do you share these funny golf jokes? What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? All lip, no hole. Henry Beard, If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you dont have to waste energy going back to pick it up. Theres no sense in going to a tournament if you dont believe that you can win it. Tiger Woods, 20. 150 Puns From All Walks of Life. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole dead on line. I love the contrast between the agony of a golfer bleeding out and the ecstasy of a moment of creative genius. So what's it gonna be today, Stroke Play or Skins? I'm pretty good with my short putts. You swing left and the ball goes right. Dave Barry, If you drink, dont drive. Grip the club as if you were holding a baby bird. Sam Snead, 58. What is the difference between a fisherman and a golfer? Wodehouse, 31. Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots. Dr. Bob Rotella, 64. Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter! And maybe that same element inspires the poets, writers and artists to pay homage to golfor at least lament its cruelty. James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. Ahole in oneis amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. Well have whatever Mac OGrady is smoking. A lot of Seniors love playing golf and also, they love jokes. The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! On a golf course, nature is neutered. Weve all been humbled by this game and have learned that a sense of humor can be the most important club in the bag. I had a terrible round today, I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake. The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off. What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? With this in mind, here are the 10 funniest golf quotes of all time. Ben Hogan, I know I am getting better at golf because Im hitting fewer spectators. If you drink, dont drive. "Golf is like a love affair. I had a hole in nothing. It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play where it lies." Bobby Jones 23. ~ Sijin Bt. How many strokes was that? Your email address will not be published. Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, Right train, wrong ticket., The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, No sleeper cars on that train either, Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, Its golf balls., The blond looked at him compassionately and said: Oh you poor thing. had to choose, right ? Are you into kinky stuff? You will find the quotes being used everywhere, coming from ordinary people like us, who are just famous. THE MATERIAL ON THIS SITE MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, DISTRIBUTED, TRANSMITTED, CACHED OR OTHERWISE USED, EXCEPT WITH THE PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. 2023 DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes, 17 Awful (But Mostly Funny) Golf Fails from 2013, This new Top Flite commercial is sophomoric, inappropriate, and very funny. 6. no! Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? Go Premium to get full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Jan 1, 2016 - Explore Uwharrie Point | Golf Communit's board "Golf Quotes", followed by 482 people on Pinterest. Paul Harvey, While playing golf today I hit two good balls. What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball lost in the rough? Jim Murray. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! 56 Golf Pick Up Lines Many golfing terms sound naughty. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. You grind it out. Tiger Woods, 54. "Your game is so bad you had to have your ball retriever re-gripped!" Babe Ruth once said, "It took me 17 years to get three thousand hits in baseball. A two-foot putt to win a bet or a tournament or a Masters is another thing entirely. Ive played the game for 50 years and I still havent the slightest idea of how to play. Gary Player, 39. The most redundant thing on a golf course is a ball-washer on a hole with water hazards. Don Carter Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. Even though youre a little ashamed of what you have done, you know you will do it again. P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.. Tiagra. "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." Annika Sorenstam 24. You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will clubs. That round was so poor, I think Im going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself, I honestly doubt that. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. If you worry about the ones you missed, you are going to keep missing them. Walter Hagen, 47. Or under. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? Jim Bishop, I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I collected hilarious jokes about golfing; some are very clean and others are like an old golf ball: pretty used and dirty. "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. Success depends less on strength of body than upon strength of mind and character. Arnold Palmer, 52. Go back in time and start playing at a younger age. Golfing is a lot like masturbation. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young woman by the clubhouse. A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. Your email address will not be published. In case he gets a hole in one. Bobby Darnel, If you want to hook a ball turn both hands toward the right side on the grip or shaft. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. If everything was given to you, it wouldnt feel as good when you achieve it. Annika Sorenstam, 24. Dirty jokes tend to be of sexual nature, make use of coarse language and can be offensive. How does a brunette keep her husband from a blond working at a golf course? My doctor told me I cant play golf. Oh, when did he play with you?. That I am sure of will make your day full of joy! Excuse me, Miss, are you looking for the fairway? If you think youre standing too close to the ball, make sure youve actually struck it with your club after swinging. Golf is a lot like life. This post may contain affiliate links. The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. I like to go low. I play Bass. I never learned anything from a match that I won. Bobby Jones, 62. Full Text: Thank you for still being my friend even though I only talk about my horse and I smell like a barn. What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Why are golf and sex so similar? A hole in one of a kind model. What hot new enhancement pill can you use to beef up your game? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Daphne du Maurier, With many twists and holes life is much like a golf game; without bats, you cannot Play. 2. The formula for success is simple: practice and concentration, then more practice and more concentration. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 19. I just finished a round of golf, wanna be my 19th hole today? You shot an eight. Many of them contain words and phrases that are unable to grace this slideshow. Do you know what the Lama says? Why did Arnold Palmer get beat up? Hi there! "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?" My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. I am a Musician. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. Ian Fleming, I drove a golf ball into the air / It fell to earth, I knew not where / For, so swiftly it flew, the sight / Could not follow it in its flight. How do you know you should be a golfer? I never prayed that I would make a putt. Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Nothing it should have ducked. One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. Discover and share Dirty Quotes For Women Golfers. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I'd like to put my wood in it? It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. Henny Youngman, Go play golf. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. Palmer calmly said, What the hell do you want it to back up for?. Figure out your weakness and dont make it your weakness anymore. Stacy Lewis, 60. So I thought I should start a website about jokes. Joe Tessitore, The least thing upset him on the links. Lift your head and spread your legs. Sunday Service. Fear comes in two packages fear of failure, and sometimes, fear of success. Tom Kite, 21. How we get there is as important as where we go. Old Tim Morris, 6. 4. My shaft is bent. Your competitors are not allowed to hinder you, as they are in other sports. The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers , Now, enough talking, lets swing this thing. What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? At the golf corpse! 1. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh. I've been playing golf all day and would love to make you my 19th hoe. Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot! Because it would interrupt their tea time. 4. These are results of some deep thoughts and observations from their lives and are like our lives because we are all human. A great shot is when you pull it off. 47 Hilarious Quotes About Driving.